“He says my thighs look like cold porridge,” reported one friend to me of her (now ex-) husband’s monumental put-down. Matrimonial body shaming aside, what about the cellulite? Orange-peel skin is, apparently, something that 90 per cent of women have, and of those women, 95 per cent would like to do something about it. But what? Of course, body positivity is one answer, and a good one. But sometimes an upbeat attitude quails before the realities of pool-side thigh wobble and saggy post-baby tum. Diet (more fibre, more water, less sugar), exercise (more sit-ups), treatments (more massage) and skincare (more luxurious creams) are all recommended as options that may help temporarily. But what about the long term? Cellulite is caused when the skin overlying fat (mostly on thighs, stomach, bottom and arms) is pulled downwards by fibrous connective tissue. The collagen fibres between skin and muscle separate the fat into multiple pockets; with age, the skin becomes thinner and loses elasticity, exposing the rippling beneath. People who want to take things more seriously can turn to fat freezing, whereby fat cells are cooled down to a temperature at which they die, and then, eventually, are flushed out through the kidneys as pee. But there are three problems with this treatment. First, it’s extremely uncomfortable, not to say painful; secondly, while it may reduce the fat in any particular area by up to 25 per cent, it does nothing about the loose skin above it; and thirdly, it can cause a condition called paradoxical adipose hyperplasia, in which the treated fat hardens and actually becomes more solid than it was before. This has been put down as a rare side effect, but new research suggests it is perhaps more frequent than previously thought. There’s also liposuction, of course, which will see to the fat in a brutal sort of way, but not to the skin covering it, which may well be left saggier than ever. And then there are lasers, which, until a few years ago, I’d vaguely associated with Star Wars and those little red dots that you can beam out of a torch to encourage kittens to play prettily. But the world of laser beauty has grown up, and the results that rays of light can now achieve – on skin blemishes, broken veins, wide pores, and, yes, cellulite – seem to be little short of miraculous.

NuBody Skin Toning Kit, Current Body, £383 Micro currents improve skin tone on upper arms and bottom However, last month, I was the first journalist in the country to get my thigh bludge zapped by a new radio-frequency machine named the Onda Coolwaves. The procedure is simple: you choose a 6in sq area to be treated, which is coated with liquid paraffin for an easier glide, then you lie there while a therapist rubs the hand-held device on top of the relevant square of flesh, over and over for 10 minutes. The part of the machine that actually touches the skin is cooled, so you shouldn’t heat up too much, but the fat beneath is being heated to accelerate the metabolism of its cells. I’ll let Mario Jukic of Lynton, the company that built the Onda, do the science bit: “We’ve found a wavelength that sits within the microwave portion of the spectrum. The microwave energy goes straight through the skin and deposits directly into the insulating fat layer. So we’re able to heat that very effectively and specifically without heating and damaging the skin and muscle that surround it,” he says. The Onda heats the fat to 55-60C, cooking it and melting it, then your digestive system deals with it. What’s more, the device also warms the surface, stimulating collagen production, so that the skin above the zapped fat is tightened. The procedure isn’t wholly enjoyable, but it doesn’t have the sharp, needling pain of lasers, and the results – the befores and afters that I’ve seen – are frankly spectacular. Skin is tighter, texture smoother, contours sleeker. Of course, this isn’t a weight-loss treatment, but there is a marked slimming effect, too. Four treatments are the recommendation, one month apart. I left Tempus Belgravia, where one of these devices is now installed, with a sense of excitement about what the next few months may bring in terms of smoother skin (and my outer thighs rather hot and tingly). There were no other untoward side effects, and I will definitely be back for follow-ups, but the effects are gradual so I won’t be seeing the full benefits for some time. “I’m very excited about this machine,” says Dr Kuldeep Minocha, the medical director of Tempus Belgravia. “Really effective cellulite treatment is rare, and patients are very averse to pain, but with this, there’s a little heating of the dermis but no real pain, yet excellent results.” In an ideal world, we would embrace our lumps and wobbles, and so would everyone else. Until that bright dawn, there’s a powerful new lightsabre in the battle against cottage-cheese bottom.

1. Cellulinov Intensive Anti-Cellulite Body Care, Sisley, £163 This plant-based cream leaves
thighs instantly softer and firmer (John Lewis & Partners)
2. Celltense Serum, Elénzia, at the Dr Rita Rakus Clinic Proven to improve radio-frequency
treatment by 18 per cent (Elenzia)
3. Body Fit Anti-Cellulite Contouring Expert, Clarins, £60 Even the smell makes it feel effective
– after a week, skin is smoother and tighter (Clarins)
4. D Solution Booster, Valmont, £209 This clear, tingly serum contains caffeine to smooth
bumpy skin (Harrods)
5. Sensifirm Cellulite Reduction device, Sensica, £299 Radio-frequency technology boosts
natural collagen production (CurrentBody)
6. NuBody Skin Toning Kit, Current Body, £383 Micro currents improve skin tone on upper
arms and bottom (CurrentBody)